OFF THE RECORD

"A conservative group is asking Americans to boycott all companies who advertise on Monica Lewinsky's new reality show. The conservative group is made up of several right-wing Republicans and one female Democratic senator."

- Conan O 'Brien

"I know I can beat George Bush. Why? Because Al Gore and I already did."

- Democratic presidential candidate Joe Lieberman

"It was the black vote that decided the 2000 election - Clarence Thomas's."

- Democratic presidential candidate Carol Moseley Braun

"It's like Jim Jones giving out Kool Aid. It tastes good, but it will kill you."

- Democratic presidential candidate Al Sharpton on the Bush tax cut proposal

"President Bush took one look at them and said, 'I might win this one fair and square.'"

- David Letterman, on the Democratic presidential field

"Even though Iraq has been liberated we still have to teach them about democracy and the voting election process because there is still some confusion about voting and the election process. Oh wait, that's Florida."

- David Letterman

"'War and Peace'is (a) shorter and (b) better."

- George Will, comparing the literary classic to the 1,600-page federal court ruling on the recent campaign finance act.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

George W. Bush: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here."

Al Gore: "I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people."

Colin Powell: "Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road."

Ham BHx: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road."

Bill Clinton: "It depends what you mean by the word 'cross.'"

Ralph Nader: "The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV."

Pat Buchanan: "To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American."

Ernest Hemingway: "To die. In the rain. Alone."

Aristotle: "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."

Karl Marx: "It was an historical inevitability."

Voltaire: "I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it."

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken has gone before."

Col. Sanders: "I missed one?"

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? "Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? "Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

"If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

"When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?

"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"

- George Carlin

"I'm one of those mayors whose management style is to allow free and unlimited debate, to a point."

- Former Washington, U.C., Mayor Marion Barry

"Is the country still here?"

- President Calvin Coolidge after a long nap